When We Chose to Breakup Instead of Make Up

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If you’ve been in a relationship of any length you know that there comes a point where one or both of you have to make a choice: should we break up or stay together? In some cases an event might spark a breakup, the main examples being cheating, lying, or stealing but sometimes it is not that cut and dry, especially if you’ve invested time and love. No matter what the factors, at the end of the day whether you choose to break up or stay together the fact is that it is a choice. We reflected on relationships when we chose to break it off even though an event didn’t spark the decision. We chose to end the relationships for the betterment of ourselves and our then partners. While discussing this post we found that while the context was different, the names, the places, the factors, etc, the reasons were very similar and we’ll share below our experiences…

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Sass: The relationship that comes to mind is one that involves (*spoiler alert*) my first proposal. I was in college dating a guy who was a out of college and in the military. Very soon into our relationship he was stationed to another city which put a lot of pressure on us early on. We made trips to see each other when possible and I had the most emotional experiences each time I had to leave him. At the end of one weekend together in the airport parking lot, I was sobbing until he hits me with, “Baby, I love you. Will you marry me?” The crying stopped, better yet, it came to a screeching halt. “I love you very much but I can’t answer that right now,” I finally said. His face dropped and my heart broke.

From then on we were never the same, as you can imagine. He lashed out at me repeatedly over the next few weeks and we fought a lot. Looking back I believe he was just too hurt to know what to do so instead of talking it out, we fought it out. I can clearly remember the moment when I made the decision to breakup. By about the tenth or eleventh listen of Beyonce’s “If I Were A Boy”, I made the decision to strip my room clean of anything that reminded me of him and made the call.

I learned a lot from this relationship but the biggest take away for me was if you want to ask a grown up question then be grown up enough to handle any answer. I could have chosen to stick it out, fight through it, and make it work but I chose not to. I chose to recognize that ultimately this person was not right for me and that to continue to endure the negativity would be harmful to both of us. So in breaking if off with him, I broke both of our hearts but I can say that I knew even then it was the right decision.

Sweetness: Choosing to break up or stay together seems pretty black and white but I’m sure everyone can agree that it’s definitely a gray area, an area of uncertainty. I have been in a relationship where I was head over heels in love and the guy I was with … well idk if he entirely felt the same but his dreams were different than mine. Baseball was his dream and he joined the minor leagues after he graduated college and continued to chase that dream. I was still in school and though I should have been enjoying my final year, all I wanted was to be with him! The distance, time zone differences, and always being in a different place was always working against us. We could rarely figure out a time to see one another and if we did, one of us was traveling a far distance just to try and make it work.

Being so young, it was just not sustainable or realistic. We both needed to choose if we were going to make this work or not and being that we are no longer together, I think you can guess what we chose. It doesn’t mean it was easy and that there weren’t any tears or hurt feelings. It was just simply the situation that ultimately lead us to realize this was not something we could both continue pursuing.

So, as you can see our stories are different but share underlying themes and the biggest one being choice. We made choices in these relationships based on the circumstances, age, time and place, and future goals. In reading our stories we are a bit envious of our younger, more fearless selves. As hard as those choices were to make in the moment, looking back it seems so easy and clear. We are going to take our younger, more fearless selves into our next tough choice and know that in 10 more years from now we’ll see the choice as easy and clear!

Xo Sass and Sweetness

Change your Wardrobe with Poshmark!

If you haven’t heard of Poshmark before, it is an app that you can use to sell your clothing, purses, and shoes as well as buy gently used items… and it’s amazing!! Talk about an easy way to rid of unwanted clothes and make some money or find an awesome deal on something new! We both have been using Poshmark and have found the process to be super simple and reliable. Sweetness has actually been selling on Poshmark for a couple of years now and has made over $1,200! It is a great way to really spring clean your closet and make a change to your wardrobe, whether you are buying or selling!

Posh2If you are interested in selling your items, we broke down the process below:

Step 1: Clean out your closet! Get rid of those items you no longer wear or are in love with anymore because we’re sure someone else will love it! We like to go with the 1 year rule, if it’s been a year since it’s been worn, then rid of it… it’s time for a change!

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Step 2: Take pictures of your items. We both like to take pictures that not only make the item look desirable, but also shows all aspects of the item. Take far away pictures, close ups, pictures on the inside and tags, and if you can – take pictures of you wearing it! When you shop online you often like to see what the item looks like on the model so this is the same concept!

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Step 3: Create your Poshmark account and upload the pictures of the items to your closet. Poshmark gives you a profile or “closet” as they call it where all of your items can be seen. Just create the new listing, describe the item and viola! But be sure to be honest about your products. If there is any sort of defect, you MUST indicate it and show it in the pictures. Though the shoppers know these are used items, you don’t want them to receive any surprises!

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Step 4: Once an item of yours sells, it’s time to package it up and ship it out. Poshmark will email you a shipping label, you just have to provide the packaging. We use the priority mail envelopes from USPS. The envelopes are free and we like to stock up on them. We then just tape the shipping label to the envelope and put it in our mailbox for the postal man. It’s so easy! 

Step 5: Help the community out! You have the ability to share other Posher’s items with your followers and they will share your items in return! It’s basically like reposting something on social media and it will help you gain more exposure and reach more buyers!

As Poshmark says, Happy Poshing!

Find us on Poshmark @swilkes and @sasssays ❤

 

Xo Sass and Sweetness

How My Body Changed After Baby

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Ohhhh the body after baby! I’m just not sure that any blog post can adequately encompass the full scope of the changes in your body after having a baby but I, Sass, will try.

I would first like to acknowledge that I am skipping right over all of the changes that occur during pregnancy because I feel like pregnancy is a talked about over and over again while the postpartum situation isn’t talked about enough. And full-disclosure, I had a natural delivery with no complications so I can’t speak to a c-section recovery or any effects of complicated pregnancies or deliveries.

So, to begin, I want to make clear that right after you give birth your pregnant belly does not, I repeat, it does not magically go away. You pop that baby out and still look about 6 months pregnant. This was a major let down for me and also pretty shocking. I was feeling my most mentally and physically drained in my entire life and still had to carry a gut around that I didn’t recognize with NO BABY IN THERE! At least I was pregnant I knew in my mind, and could say to others, “There’s a darn baby in there!”

Anyway, the first 2-3 weeks with a baby are GRUELING (I’d even push that number to 6 weeks). They need to eat every two hours and if you’re breastfeeding like I was that means you cannot sleep for more than maybe 45 minutes at a time. For those who are unfamiliar, newborns can take up to 45 mins to an hour to eat so in doing the math…the baby eats for an hour and then you burp her for 15 minutes (45 minutes) then if you fall asleep right away you get 45 minutes before the baby is ready to do it all over again! You see, it’s every 2 hours from the time they start eating not from the time they finish! I was mentally and physically in awe of what was happening. I cried a lot. My boobs hurt, my back hurt, my wrists hurt, my head hurt, everything hurt including the who-ha! For crying out loud a bowling ball just came out of there, things were not normal!

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So while I was trying to get this whole mom thing and breastfeeding a stranger thing down, I couldn’t sit without a pillow under my butt, I couldn’t sleep, I was wearing a pad the size of a ice pack in mesh panties that needed to be changed what felt like constantly and in lieu of wiping, I was squirting myself with a water bottle. Oh and don’t forget the who-ha numbing spray for the stitches and the ice packs that would go in between the pad and the witch hazel wipes….get the picture?! It’s brutal.

A few months later I started to feel less like a stranger in my own body but I can say that even 9 months, almost 10 months postpartum I am still not normal and at this point I’m not sure I’ll ever be “the same” as I was pre-pregnancy. My body is just different now. Sometimes I have pain in places I didn’t before, my weight is distributed a little differently (yup, a little bit more in the belly), and for awhile there, although it seems to have stopped, my hair was falling out like crazy. This is all “normal” as they say but what’s normal to the world is all new to first time moms.

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My skin is different, mainly from lack of sleep and stress, but the bags under my eyes just never seem to go away. And these are bags on a level I have never seen. My hangovers are worse than ever before. But at this point, even though I don’t physically feel like my pre-baby self, I am down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I went into my pregnancy a little bit heavy so the battle to slim down continues but I have to say that for awhile that was one of the toughest parts about it all…

Ya know when you’re feeling crummy and you start mentally piling on all the shit in your mind that’s terrible: “I haven’t slept in what feels like years, I’m tired, so so so tired, from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep my time and my life are no longer my own…oh, and I’m fat.” It’s awful, it really is, but it’s true. I felt and still very often feel so overwhelmed by being a mom, working, taking care of my family, doing laundry, making dinner, trying to have a social life, everything is hard…oh, and my clothes don’t fit. It’s like this little cherry on top of everything. In the most physically and mentally challenging time in my life I was not at my peak level of physical fitness to handle it and I believe that is a reality that all new moms, even the most fit ones, will have to face at one point. If you are more fit, that time period might be shorter than it is for others and as for me, I’m getting there. I’m almost back……and then I get to do it all over again for baby #2. YAY!

LOL and that’s the thing, I’m making all of this sound awful, and to be really honest, it is sometimes BUT there is a reason people do this over and over again. That reason is obviously the baby. They do make it worth it, maybe not every minute of every day but looking at her now as I write this I know I’ll do it again. And lastly, in hindsight, part of why those first weeks and months are so hard is because you have no prior experience to know that this too shall pass. Your mom, your sister, your friends can all tell you it will and deep down you know it will but it’s the WHEN that is daunting…when will it end? For round two I’ll at least have some idea of what is happening and I’ll look forward to days like today when I can sit on a hard chair without pain, my boobs are not infected from mastitis, and my baby can laugh and hug me. I’ll know that with all the change comes the reward!

Changes at Work

 

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“Work, work, work, work, work, work, you see me I be work, work, work, work, work, work,” (Rihanna), I mean how could we not start this post with that song? We like to sing it to each other anytime a post about working and careers comes up. You can picture it, can’t you? With our fake British accents of course.

Anyway, making a career change can be one of the most risky and scary transitions and yet the most rewarding. On the one hand, you know what they say, sometimes the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. We believe, however, that just like most things in life there are pros and cons to changing careers, changing companies within your same field, or even the change that occurs when you (hopefully) get promoted. Woo!

We have some experience on these changes that we’ll share below:

From No Rules to Corporate America (Sass): Right after I graduated from college, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do so I got my job back at a bar in Georgetown. This was a legitimately no rules kinda place: I got paid under the table, we drank through our shifts, and often talked back to customers (the customer is always right rule certainly did not apply here). I picked right up from college to a sports bar with no rules to a start-up company where my “bosses” worked out of California and pretty much had no idea what I did all day to finally, the corporate job I held for the last 5 years. In just over a year my work attire went from Daisy Dukes, to leggings and a sweatshirt working from home, to black suits every darn day. I remember the first few weeks of having to be at work in a suit at a desk at 8:30am…it felt like the worst thing in the world. There were plenty of days where I took naps on my lunch break rather than eat. It was bruuuuutal but seeing as I was there for 5 years, I got the hang of it. Adjusting your schedule can be daunting and I’d offer advice on how to do it but I definitely don’t think I did it the most graceful way (LOL) but hey, I was 23 and could handle it.

I also had to change my mindset. In my corporate job the customer was pretty much always right and thankfully I’m a smart cookie and figured that out right quick! I also had to adjust back to answering to someone and learn new processes and systems for doing things. I had to learn the lingo and the hierarchy too. So.much.change but like I said, I figured it out pretty quickly.

From No Rules to Corporate America (Sweetness): For me, Sweetness, I was babysitting and cheered for the Nets right out of college, however I was really excited to join “corporate” America. I thought dressing in work clothes each day would be really fun, even though I absolutely loved my babysitting and cheerleading job, I was ready to be more professional. I worked for Verizon Wireless for a long time in HR and Sales and though I learned a ton from working in a corporate setting, if anyone needs a babysitter – I’ll gladly be yours! The 9-5 is not something that I want to do for the rest of my life and it is often hard to have to be somewhere everyday at a particular time. In my current role, I often get complimented for how professional I am, which I will thank Verizon for, however I’ve come to learn that I want more time for myself and more flexibility, especially when I have kids.

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From Entry Level to Middle Management (Sass): So, I worked for a corporate residential property management company. I started on the ground floor as a leasing agent. Being a leasing agent is mainly about sales but it is also involves hand-holding residents through rent increases and construction, putting out fires when the renovation team accidentally knocks through the wrong wall, handling office politics, and paperwork. Good LAWD, the paperwork! But pretty much if you could handle the politics and the paperwork and had excellent sales numbers, you could get promoted, which I did (quite a few times – oh yaaaass)! Details of the promotion aside, the biggest changes involved now leading a team and answering to the bigger bosses at a different level. Basically as the low man on the totem pole, as long as your sales were stellar people left you alone. As a manager, however, no one leaves you alone. The team below you needs you to inspire and lead them but also sometimes babysit them. And the team above you needs to do all of that for the team below you but also do the projects and tasks that the they don’t want to do or have the time to do. In my case this meant one word…SPREADSHEETS! My company loved spreadsheets. It also meant reporting, lots of reporting and numbers. You get me, right? Specifics aside, it meant double duty aka more responsibility. In some ways it was nice to get away from the battlefield that was the leasing floor and to have an office to get work done in. On the other hand, it really meant that I only talked to clients when they were unhappy, you know, the “I want to talk to a manager” types. There are pros and cons, as there is with anything to getting a promotion but of course the big fat nice pro is that it usually comes with a pay increase!

From Corporate America to Working From Home (Sweetness): There was a period of time where I was strictly working from home right after I moved back from California. It was what I needed at the time since I went through a hard break up and needed to get my life back on track. I enjoyed being able to settle back in, especially on those hard days when I was upset due to my recent break up. As I started getting more settled, I realized that working from home has it benefits, however it also has its downfalls. I wasn’t in a setting where I was talking and interacting with new people, which is what I started to need after some time.

Though I am really good at sticking to a routine, it would often be 2pm and I was still in my PJ’s and haven’t ate anything the whole day. For some reason when I am home, I just do, do , do and forget to eat. Crazy I know, but it was starting to become something that I really needed to change. I made a change and acted like I had to be somewhere at a certain time so I was getting up, working out right away, actually getting dressed, and would eat lunch at a reasonable hour. Having more of a routine helped me be more productive at home, while still being able to enjoy the benefits until I got a new job in an office setting.

From Corporate America to Working From Home (Sass): While I was out on maternity leave an opportunity came up for me to work from home for my parents’ business. When we looked at the cost of childcare, it made sense. Also, I get stressed out about things like who is dropping off and picking up, who is making lunch, she’s sick and I need to take off of work, etc. My company was NOT flexible in any way shape or form so eliminating those stressors made sense for me and the fam bam. Working from home, as Sweetness said, has its pros and cons. My days went from the rules having rules to leggings and Elmo songs. My “office” moves wherever the baby wants or needs to be, most of the time I’m on the floor with my laptop on my lap! It’s chaotic and not always the most productive but it works for us. I definitely miss the office environment from time to time, mostly the handful of people I really love working with but otherwise, this is working out just fine!

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We’ve gone through our share of changes and we’re sure when we rewrite this post years from now there will be more changes! Changing jobs, careers, titles, or working environments can be stressful but at the end of the day we try to find the positives! And as always, we want to know: what was the biggest move you’ve made in your work? Did you change careers? Did you get a big promo recently? Tell us everything!

Xo Sass and Sweetness

How our Mental State Affects our Physical

Processed with VSCO with hb2 presetOur bodies are amazing and it’s even more amazing how our mental state can affect our physical body so much. If we are in a good place mentally, our bodies usually feel good. If it is the reverse and our mental state is not in a good place, then our bodies are going to feel the affects. We know this all too well and have seen the changes our own bodies have experienced mainly during times that were stressful or upsetting.

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Hey, it’s Sweetness! In this post, I’m going to share my own experiences on how my body was affected by my mental state due to some recent events I went through.  

Going through a breakup with my fiance was a very difficult time for me. I was trying to make the relationship work, however we were both unsure of what to do to make things better. It was extremely stressful and not to mention I was living in California with no friends or close family nearby to turn to. Going through this time obviously had affects on my mental state, however it was when I noticed the changes to my body that I knew something had to change.

I’m definitely a fit and healthy person in general, however when I was going through this difficult time, I noticed that I started losing weight without trying. I am NOT a stress eater, in fact I actually turn away from food, so my appetite was practically non-existent. I was getting really skinny in an unhealthy way and felt horrible. My energy was low, I felt really weak and tired all the time. Not to mention I almost felt like I always had a cold. My throat was hurting, I had an awful cough, however I knew I was not sick. It was purely stress. Wow, scary right?! They say that stress is the silent killer and I couldn’t agree more.

Processed with VSCO with hb2 presetThough this is not something positive, I wanted to share it because I want others that may be experiencing something similar to understand that this is not a healthy way to live. My relationship unfortunately ended and even though I was upset, over time this “stressful” feeling subsided. At the end of the day, taking care of your mind and body is most important so doing whatever you need to do to make sure you are at your best should be priority, especially if others rely on you! Make sure to keep eating well, getting plenty of sleep, and make time to meditate or relax when going through a hard time. Trust me, your body will thank you!

Xo Sass and Sweetness

Adjusting to Your Surroundings After Moving

Move1Is there anything worse than being so far removed from your routine that you don’t even feel like you anymore?! We think not! When you move, this can be the case for quite some time until you get unpacked and adjusted to your new surroundings. This might also be something, as Sweetness mentioned in our last post to think about BEFORE you move! As people who have moved many times we are very familiar with all that changes and want to impart our wisdom on those who have an upcoming move, hope to move in the future, or to simply commiserate with those of you who have shared in this experience!

With just about every move we’ve made we can recall the mounds of boxes, bubble wrap, tape, and trips to Bed, Bath, and Beyond for more plastic containers and drawer organizers! Moving is chaotic even for the most organized of us. No matter how organized you are, like Sass, the box labeling psychopath (yes, she even color codes her markers by which room the box should go into), at the end of the day all of your stuff that’s in boxes and suitcases has to come out and go into some new “place” in your space that you probably haven’t quite figured out yet. Depending on your situation or how much stuff you have, this process can takes days, weeks, dare we say months?!

Move 3Moving can also mean chaos for your physical and mental health. You’ve probably just come off of take-out for a few days since you packed up your kitchen and emptied the fridge and are coming into a few more days of take-out until you’ve unpacked your kitchen and found your new grocery store. We don’t know about you but this is one of the most challenging parts about moving for us…being out of our normal food routine! Ugh. It could also mean that you’ve taken a few days off from the gym because well, packing is exercise, right? But mainly, moving is exhausting!

Basically, the natural chaos and stress of any move combined with a complete diversion from your routine can wreak havoc on your body. One of the first things we do when we move to a new place is look up ahead of time where the nearest grocery store is and where we’ll be exercising whether it’s a new gym or a yoga spot around the corner, just figure it out and book a class…any class! Even if it means dropping the full box of shoes you still need to unpack… your body and your mind will thank you.

It might seem silly but I (Sass here), can recall very specifically the moment after one of our moves in DC when I made a big salad at home, opened a bottle of wine and poured it into a wine glass (rather than a paper cup), and sat down on the couch to enjoy and watch an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It was blissful. It was routine. It was normal. This is the part about moving that we love…when it’s over!

Move 2It might seem obvious but it’s the little things in life that don’t seem so little when suddenly everything is new. New doctors, new delivery options, new workout spot, new drug store, new parking space, and new trash pickup nights (this one gets us every time). And then of course there are the bigger things but usually we are prepared for those, which is ironic, isn’t it? New job, new friends, new commute, new time zone, or a new distance from home. These are the big ones that usually determine how long you will stay in this new place because as adults we get over the little things but sometimes the big ones can make or break our experience in a new place.

So it’s okay to take time to adjust, to try a few nail salons, to ask the “locals” for the best sushi spot, however it will take time to get the hang of this new routine. Being patient is probably the most important part of moving and trying not to stress out about certain things. The more prepared you are and the more research you’ve done the better off you may be, however things will not always go as planned so it’s better to be prepared for the unexpected!

Xo Sass and Sweetness

Moving Means Big Changes!

 

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Aside from relationships, another huge change that both of us have experienced is moving! We are both born and raised in New Jersey and went to school out of state, which was when the first big move out of our comfort zones happened. Sweetness went to University of Delaware and lived at school all four years and Sass went to Georgetown University and not only lived in Washington, DC during college, but for 5 years after too!

It seems pretty obvious that with moving comes change, however our moves were definitely more complicated and extensive than that. We are sharing our experiences and how to adjust to the changes that moving brings along as well as the new life you will experience!

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Sass:

Hola, Sass here! So, as we’ve already mentioned I lived in Washington, DC for college and upon graduating, I moved home to New Jersey to figure out what I was going to do with my life. Well, that lasted for all of 4 months before I picked up and move back to DC. I moved back because I had a sense of independence in DC that I was unable to achieve at home in New Jersey. I knew I could get my bartending job back just in time for football season and continue to look for a job both in NJ and in DC in the meantime because I never intended on staying in DC very long.

But then don’t ya know it, 2 months after I moved to DC, I met my now husband and 6 months after moving there we were officially unofficially dating and the rest is history as they say. As he is born and raised right outside of DC, it looked like I was bound to the area forever.

That all changed, however, when a job opportunity presented itself for him in Boston, MA. You all know that I credit this move and the year we spent there as one our best years yet; it was the best experience. Within that year we got preggers and as you know, moved home to New Jersey.

So not only have I moved states several times but within those states I’ve lived in 5 apartments (not including college) so moving and I are no strangers. The process is an actual b*tch but each time I get more and more efficient. Boxes? Oh I’ve labeled each side with absurdly descriptive descriptions, like embarrassingly descriptive but who knows where any item is when I need it? THIS GIRL.

But all kidding aside, my recommendation is to be as organized as possible, even over the details that you don’t think will really matter or that you take for granted when you are in a routine. For example, you will want internet set up ASAP, you will need a place to sleep immediately, you will want to know where to order delivery from the first night, and you will need to take off a day from work. I’ve attempted the “no days off” thing when moving and it really makes for a stressful first day at work in a new place or even in your same city just trying to find your stuff!

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Sweetness:

Hey everyone, it’s Sweetness! As mentioned above, I have lived in New Jersey and Delaware during my childhood and college years. After college I moved back to NJ until I met my ex. We both lived in NJ for about a year, however he was from California and wanted to move back home. For me it was a no-brainer at first! I have always loved Cali (I dated a guy in college that was from there too!) and thought it would be really awesome to live in a state that pretty much everyone dreams of living in.

So off I went to LA to live with my ex and bring on a whole new life. I had these thoughts that every day would be sunny (which it was), we would go to the beach all the time (um hello, have you heard about the traffic?!), and also that we would have an amazing group of friends that we would always do fun things with (did I mention we lived in LA…). Though the sun was always shining and the beaches were beautiful, California was a different experience for me than I thought. It took over an hour to go 10 miles, which limited our travel to about a 2 mile radius and the people I experienced in LA were not the most welcoming with open arms.

My expectations before the move were high and when I first got there, though it was exciting, it was MUCH harder than I thought. Yes, it was fun going to Home Goods and finally having my own space with my then boyfriend, but boy do you realize how much in a routine you were in your last place you lived to only realize EVERYTHING changes. Like literally everything, even those small things that you don’t realize, which we will be talking about in our next post!  

So we believe everyone should step out of their comfort zone and make a move that will give you a new experience, just make sure to really evaluate the move before you do it! You will miss things about the old place you lived and love things about this new place. Sometimes this will be great, sometimes they will be not so great. Keep your expectations low and if you are struggling and having a hard time, make sure you have someone you can turn to!

Xo Sass and Sweetness